Bad Dream

I've always felt it was bad form for bloggers or just about anyone else to talk or write about dreams. It's narcism at it's worst. It's a cheap literary device for interjecting about conflict rather than resolving it. Unless your initials are MLK, I don't want to here a thing about your dreams.

So here goes. Last night I had a dream where I was sitting in a church pew. And for some reason I got in a shouting match with a four year old sitting in the front row. And no, it wasn't little J. Reflecting on it, I think I've been a little angry at God. Today I'm at UCSF again, knowing that I'll be spending the night while S is strapped into a machine recording her brain waves. And on some level that's upsetting.

I feel my life has been pretty blessed. I'm surrounded by the right people, I've got the right job. I've had a wealth of experiences. I've got two superstars for kids. But I look at little S, and I know that she's never going to have some of the basics that we all take for granted. My wife and I have been busting our balls day in and day out to make her life the best it can be, We're trying to give her every possible opportunity. And it all might not make a damn bit of difference. We're pretty helpless.

It's not God's fault. It's not anyone's fault really. And I've prayed today, but that dream sort of shocked me.